When I'm 64
by Natalie Williams
Summary: This is what happens when people look back.


DISCLAIMER: I own nothing to do with Farscape. Zip, zero, nada. Though I wouldn't mind if I did. When I'm 64 belongs to the Beatles. I think. Or Michael Jackson. Either way, it's not me.   
  
*****  
  
//You'll be older too And if you say the word I could stay with you//  
  
You know I loved you. Part of me always will. You've been everything for so long. Maybe I shouldn't have depended on you as much as I did. I'm sure it got on your nerves, or put pressure on you that you never needed. You had so much going on as it was, I really shouldn't have done that to you. You had your own problems. And you got through them without even thinking about it. You just... You just *did*. There was a time when I could do that.   
  
I don't know how you did everything you did. It always seemed like you could face down every challenge that life sent your way. Just breeze through it and carry on through life. The fact that you could put up with me for so long and not end up in a loony bin somewhere is proof of that. I admire the hell out of you, baby.   
  
I don't know if I know how to deal without you. You saw me through such bad times. You saw and heard things that most people could never even dream of dealing with. You've been my rock. But then again, you knew that. You always knew that.   
  
I see so much of you in the kids. They inherited the strength and that grace from you, you know. Sure as hell didn't get it from me. There's so much they don't know. They're grown. I don't know how much they'll believe, or what they'll understand. They may just think I'm some senile old man who needs to be put it a home somewhere. Maybe it's not something they should hear. Not now. They've had enough to deal with lately, with you and all. They don't need to know just yet, if ever.   
  
You believed me. Every word. I don't think you ever doubted all the crazy stuff you heard, and if you did, I never knew. When even my own family couldn't believe me, when they couldn't imagine what I had seen or the people I had known, you listened with rapt interest to every bit, even the ugly stuff you were probably glad you hadn't witnessed. You saw me for who I was and loved me for it. You knew everything, and didn't care. You knew the people I knew, you knew the things I experienced, and you didn't even have to be there... You didn't need to see it for yourself, even though anyone else on the planet would have sent me for professional help. I never understood why.   
  
I should have had everything. I beat impossible odds. I was home, able to make a fresh start. But something was always missing. You knew I couldn't love you like I should have, but it didn't matter to you. It should have. You should have been angry. You should have demanded that I love you the way you deserved to be loved, that you should not have lived in anyone else's shadow. You did deserve it, you know. You should have had someone so much better than me, someone who didn't need a substitute for the woman he really loved. I don't know why you ever settled.   
  
I wonder what I'm going to do now. There seem to be so many phases to my life, and I'm starting another one. I've begun to see things in terms of Before Moya, After Moya... Now what? Now it's After Moya and After You. You'd think I'd be able to handle quiet by now, with so many years of practice. But my thoughts keep drifting back to the person I was before you knew me, and wondering where he went to. I wonder what he lost that turned him into the geezer babbling to you.   
  
No, that's not true. We both know what he lost. Who he lost.   
  
You put up with so much that you never should have had to. I put you through it. I feel like I made your life horrible. Why didn't you ever complain? You had every right. I don't know if I can just accept it being that you were just a beautiful, very tolerant person. I'll miss you, I'll love you, and I hope you believe that, just like you believed everything else I've ever said.   
  
//Yours sincerely, wasting away// 


End file.
